Joan and Jericha, aka your favourite filthy agony aunts, share their (awful) dating advice

Written by Joan Damry and Jericha Domain

If you’ve ever listened to the Dear Joan and Jericha podcast, you’ll be familiar with the show’s hosts Joan Damry and Jericha Domain – brought to life by comedy geniuses Vicki Pepperdine and Julia Davis respectively – and their particular brand of commentary. If you’re new to Joan and Jericha’s world, brace yourself because it’s a gloriously rude, subversive and awkwardly inappropriate ride. 

The podcast sees the duo take the role of agony aunts and answer listener’s questions on sex, relationships and everything in between. Their responses hit sharply (you’ll laugh but also feel wildly uncomfortable) and insightfully (in a ‘don’t follow this advice just enjoy the satirical whimsy’ type of way. And their new book promises much more of their warped expertise. 

Can’t wait to get your hands on their “unputdownable bible of sex and relationship advice on how to find, satisfy and maintain a husband”? Ahead we’ve got a taster from one of their earlier chapters Why He Pumps Then Dumps: Getting A Ring On That Desperate Finger. Have a first date with the man of your dreams coming up? Have a read of how your favourite naughty agony aunts would handle it… 

The following is an extract from Dear Joan And Jericha – Why He Turns Away: Do’s And Don’ts, From Dating To Death. 

‘I’VE GOT A DATE! BUT WHAT SHOULD I TALK ABOUT?’

Ladies, please! For goodness sake don’t talk at all! He doesn’t want to hear anything you have to say, he just wants a jolly good uninterrupted gawp at the goods you have on offer – and if there’s any talking to be done, let him do it. If you do need to make a sound, let it be laughter. Often, ladies are not sure when a man’s told a joke, so simply pepper the date with laughing every ten seconds or so and it’s likely to coincide at least once. Laughing mimics orgasm; at first the head is cocked but coy, and then thrown back in this abandoned mouth-yapping ecstasy. It’s a big aphrodisiac, causing a nice release for the lady in the groinal area, often with a little spurt into the pants, priming the body for the penis to enter.

But, ladies, you really only have one job on this date: look like a trillion zillion dollars! Be sure to have everything out on show: half a nipple, a hefty dose of bare, toned upper thigh and a clingy skirt that shows off all the contours of your vulva. But make sure any displaying of the wares looks accidental. We don’t want him thinking, Oh lord, here’s another easy Liz who’s clearly going to flare it all open and gobble me sideways at the end of the night. That’s a road to ruin and he won’t be coming back for more. At this stage you want to be lighting the blue touchpaper for this fella and standing back, leaving him sleepless with engorgement after the date and beyond.

‘WHAT SHOULD I EAT ON THE DATE?’

Ladies, please! Don’t eat anything! Just order a banana or a plate of strawberries and get your lips around them, in between listening, looking and laughing. Or try mock fellating a breadstick. But be warned, these can snap suddenly, leaving you with crumby, gunky lips and him with a profound fear of losing his penis. If there are big chunky parmesan breadsticks available on the table, then do some sexy manoeuvring with those around your mouth, or use it to intercourse your own nostril, but watch out for unsightly paste collecting on the teeth and pongy parmesan breath travelling across the table towards him in the busy restaurant.

For added fun, you could pop some food colouring on your tongue before the date, so in a darkened wine bar he can get a good idea of its size and length, then he can picture it maypoling around his penis later. It’s wise to use a luminous paint in a tangy orange or a violent pink so it really pops, but no blues or blacks please, ladies, or he’ll think you’re having a stroke.

‘I’VE HEARD GUYS LOVE TO FEEL FAT, FULL’N’ FARTY AFTER A MEAL. HOW DO I MAKE SURE HE’S SATISFIED?’

Make sure your date eats as much as possible to give him a big, fat sleepy tum and encourage him to drink plenty, which will lower his standards and give him ye olde ‘beer goggles’! You can order a lasagne at the start, but ask for a banana on the side and then when the food arrives you just push your lasagne towards him with a Lady Di smile. If he’s a gent he might say, ‘No, that’s yours’, but don’t take no for an answer. Make sure he gets that down him, as well as his giant steak and chunky frites. 

In fact, you can even feed him. Shovel the lasagne into his mouth, but make it sexy. Give him a mouthful to chew on, whilst unpeeling your banana and start pushing that in and out of your mouth, making deep grunting sounds with each banana-thrust. This is like a pornographic mouth ballet, so ideally there should be appropriate music to accompany your grunty moves. Italian restaurants are good for arias and soaring strings, so do liaise with the manager for specific pieces to be played. Failing that, bring your own mini-speaker. But avoid things that are too upbeat like ‘Agadoo’, or too depressing like Tracy Chapman. And do clap along if the song warrants it and he’ll see a fun lady who could be marriage material!

Dear Joan and Jericha – Why He Turns Away: Do’s and Don’ts, from Dating to Death is available to purchase from 29 October 2020

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